My youngest son wants me to help him buy a Playstation 4 video console. He likes to play a lot of first person shooter games like Call of Duty, and the upgraded graphics are supposed to be amazing. However, it got me to thinking. Is there a point when a game becomes too realistic? Do we really want to get to the point where players start suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome? We need to think this through before the game charges him with an actual war crime, and he has to defend himself before the World Court at the Hague.
I was on the treadmill yesterday watching Rocky III, when a thought struck me. Why doesn’t anyone cheer for Clubber Lang (Mr. T’s character)? He’s a scrappy, little guy pursuing his dreams against long odds. Sure, he’s a sorta rough around the edges; but wasn’t Rocky at one point just as uncultured? While Rocky is halfheartedly training in the lobby of an expensive hotel, Clubber is pushing himself to new limits working out in what appears to be his bedroom closet. He wanted the title, so he went after it the only way he knew how. To honor his epic quest, I simply turned off the television after their first bout where he knocks Rocky out in the second round. That way, Clubber will always be champion.
Speaking of treadmills: how come I never have to spit when running indoors on a treadmill; but when I run outside, I can’t go seventy-three yards without needing to expectorate a loogie the size of an shelled clam?
My family and I are flying to California this summer. This always makes me wonder: can I bring an actual parachute on board as part of my carry on luggage? I fully realize the odds of me needing one on a commercial airliner are infinitesimally small, but those odds don’t keep people from playing the lottery, do they? Would I be allowed to wear it during the flight? I bet I would get some interesting looks from people every time I walked down the aisle, stopped, and stared reflectively at the handle of the emergency exit door.
Speaking of airlines, I read a story about a woman who wanted to know beforehand if she could breastfeed her infant child uncovered during an upcoming flight. Seems the baby won’t eat with a blanket over it’s head. It brings up this interesting question. How would things be different if we fed our offspring like birds do? You know, by puking partially digested food down their throats. Would we accuse the privileged class of being born with a golden funnel in their mouths? Imagine, gas stations with shelves full of frozen pre-eaten food that one could just pop into a microwave and go. Eventually, movie-goers would flock see an Oscar winning documentary telling the story of a group of starving children from Indonesia who are forced to eat high calorie foods and then regurgitate them back into convenient single-serving baggies. They would probably end up weighing the workers before and after each shift just to be sure no one was stealing any food. This is the sort of stuff I contemplate when the traffic light turns green, and I’m just sitting there still parked.
Want to do your kid a favor? Have plenty of appropriate books in the house and give him the free time to read them. The more knowledge you can get him to voluntarily cram into his head the better. Don’t sign him up for a karate class designed for eight-year-olds in the hope he learns self-defense. First off, kids don’t fight anymore except online. Second, imagine your child in high school wearing one of those white uniforms to class. Ironically, that would probably end up being the reason why someone wants to beat him up to begin with.
Really, aren’t Eskimos just the descendants of migratory humans who settled for good enough? I mean, they must have just looked around one day while wandering about and said, “Screw it. I’m tired of walking. I’m going to just build a house out of ice and live right here.” Now, fast forward a few thousand years to when the first European explorer informs them that the whole world isn’t covered in snow. Seriously, when you think about it, how could they have known that if their forefathers had just traveled south for a couple more months, they would have been living all this time in sunny San Diego? I know there have been times in my life when I’ve felt like I was super angry, but I’m sure I’ve never been as mad as the Eskimos were that day.
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